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TIPS AND TRAPS

Divorce Custody Coparenting Visitation
Safety in Relationships  //  Suicide Threats  //  Family / Workplace
Protect your livelihood  //  Phone Harassment

"Crazy people can make the sanest people do crazy things."
Anon.

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells,
fending off narcissistic rage, stop. Walk away.
The narcissist will win the tug-of-war. You'll win your sanity. Take your pick."
Dr. Martha Beck

Safety in Abusive Relationships
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f13.t39

Visitation:
"Now this next is a rather difficult thing for some women to do, but IF you can act as though his exercising his visitation rights is your ticket to freedom, then this will be one of your most powerful weapons. When he shows up to pick up your daughter, be all dolled up, hair all pretty, Full makeup, "going out" clothes and perfume. Act as though you are ready to go out partying. Even check your watch if he tries to keep you even an extra second at the door.

Now, if you really go out (and why waste good perfume?) that is all the better. This is a good time to practice being good to yourself by spending time with girlfriends, learning to line dance, taking a class, visiting a museum or art gallery, attending a movie, concert or play - or whatever. You want him to believe that his "services" are much desired so that you can have special time for yourself. No N wants to be an unpaid babysitter.

I have known this tactic to cause a narcissist to totally abandon their child in a total fury at their ex. I have even known it to cause a narcissist who has already gotten custody to decide they don't want custody after all and to literally make their ex take the child(ren) back. The reason it works is this:

A narcissist is a child - a spoiled self-centered child. No little kid wants to have to work at caring for and entertaining another child. All or most of his payoff comes from you obviously not wanting him to see the child. Even "playing super dad" for someone or some group they are trying to impress can't do the job forever, for even grandparents or the people at church seldom provide enough  NS every single time to make it a worthwhile expenditure of energy.

A narcissist only interacts with someone else when there is a payoff. Feeding, cleaning, dressing, soothing, entertaining someone even their own child, are not things a narcissist wants to do ."

More Co-parenting Tips
 http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/THE-TARGET-Healing-Survival-Tactics-Read-Only/Good-Advice-in-Handling-Ns-and-Ps-1-500436.html

Communicating via email
can be a God-send because you have absolute proof (IF LEGAL IN YOUR AREA). Just remember, treat your communications with him as if they are being read aloud in court. Be cordial and direct. Focus on his question, nothing else. If there isn't one, then ignore him until he has a legitimate question or concern."

"Do not deviate from the parenting agreement unless it is absolutely necessary.  When my exnh wants to rewrite the plan, I always get it in email and refuse.  I just simply recopy exactly what our parenting order is and send it right back to him with a note saying that I am simply following what our agreement it. (In my mind he can argue with the courts. I stopped arguing with him when the divorce became final.)  He agreed to it and we need to follow it now.  When he comes back with another email, I simply recopy the same reply about the divorce agreement and sent in back to him again.
 
My next response after that is that I tell him to consult his attorney. I am simply following our divorce agreement. He knows if he doesn't follow it, I will have in court for contempt. End of story. He knows I mean business. I am not nasty in my emails. Very brief, to the point and business like. He, on the other hand, can't control it and his motives come out very clear. By the way, emails can be used in court in my state so use them to your advantage.
 
Keep all emotions out of the fight and expose him for what he is without it looking like a episode from a Jerry Springer show.  Give these guys enough rope and they will hang themselves. The magistrate who handled my case saw right through my exnh. Don't try and argue with him because it is all about winning to him. He doesn't want to compromise so talking it out doesn't help you. All he wants to do is wear you down.
 
 
You may want to consider a child therapist for the kids if it is possible. They will need coping skills to handle this dysfunctional part of their family life. Like it or not, he is their father. You can't control what happens to them when you aren't there to protect them. They need a safe place to talk, discuss their emotions, and learn to stand up to their father and understand the dynamics. They have a long road ahead of them."
 
********
There are two types of emails. The first type is the type you must respond to: a scheduling change, or a "major" issue as defined in your parenting plan. In my case, these are only school curriculum changes and non-emergency medical issues; every other issue is considered "day to day", and I don't have to communicate about that. The second type is "noise" - he's just blowing steam, venting fury.

1. DO NOT send email or initiate contact on anything that is not either education or health related, or related to exchanges. Stick to issues regarding scheduling, schooling, and medical care. Co-parenting does NOT mean trying to communicate as if you were still married. You do not need his permission for most things; check with your lawyer if you're unsure.

2. For noise emails: logic, reasoning, and being right will just make it worse. There is no connection of minds possible. If you have to answer, just "Email received". Never defend yourself, never provide details, never explain, never justify. Yes, this will be extremely hard and will kill you inside. Don't give in. This one is critical. Defending yourself will never result in his changing his mind or his opinion about you.

3. If child says XN doesn't know something, and asks you to email him the information, send this type of email: "Child said you didn't want to talk to me on the phone AND/OR that you wanted me to email you about some questions you had. Let me know what the questions are, and I'll answer them." Put the responsibility on him to tell you what the questions are. Phrase it so he knows you know he asked child to have you do something, putting child in the middle. Play dumb and don't volunteer what you think he wants to know. Make him ask it - he must communicate what he wants answered. Answer directly with nothing subjective.

4. In every email in which you need a response, put something like: "Please let me know within two days if you disagree. If I don't receive a response, I'll make XYZ decision or take ABC action." With this approach, you're not held hostage for lack of of response, and you have closed the conversation one way or the other. If you believe that what you wrote is going to create conflict, don't answer your phone. Force a response on your voicemail or a reply by email. After a call, if a decision is made, send an email, "Based upon our phone conversation today, it's my understanding that we have agreed to XYZ. If this is incorrect, please let me know within x time." If no response, you have implied agreement. Get it in writing, or get it on voice mail where it's recorded (and keep it).

5. Don't say, "Child was sick because of...". You're not a doctor. She was sick, she's better. Stick to objective facts: she had a fever of x degrees, she was throwing up - and NEVER give your opinions of why. If she has to be evaluated by a doctor, then get into reasons cited by doctor. Details open yourself up to his telling you what you did wrong. He will try to say child is sick because you feed her bad food, because you let her play outside when it was too cold - anything to put blame on you. No details other than objective observation.

Co-Parenting

Raising Children with an Abuser: Advice from Dr. Phil. A mother says that her son is now saying things to her that he heard from his abusive father "You are stupid" and other verbally-abusive comments. Dr. Phil's advice: "Tell him that big boys don't say things like that." 

 "It is very possible to raise your children to be normal even when they have to visit with their N father frequently. TIPS: associate as little as possible with the ex and preferably by email and keep it all business, the children will recognize what you are doing by the time they are pre teens. You need not say a thing. Compliment your child daily, even over the phone when they are  visiting with their father, ask questions about their day and how they feel and what their opinion is on different subjects and issues. Let them be HEARD, the N will never hear their sweet voices. Hug them and display closeness by holding hands, smiling, laughing and joking with them.

Criticize when necessary only in private and make sure they know it is the action you do not care for but you still love them, no matter what, period, and SAY this to them. Praise them in public and not just for their accomplishments, but just for them being who and what they are. Let them know, in the most non offensive way, indicate you do not approve of their father's actions as they are disrespectful to others and make sure they SEE YOU behaving in a loving, accepting and respectful way to all others. Let them see you being kind, frequently,no matter how small the kindness. Soften your tone and voice, they need to hear kind words and thoughtful manners to wash away the strident harshness of their father's cruel, acerbic, and almost always critical voice. Tell them each day you love them, and I mean every day. Admire their accomplishments, encourage them to be frank, open and honest and speak their minds, even to their N father, and assure them that you are 100% behind them at all times. Teach them not to be afraid of the N or anyone else and that they are worthy of the love they receive from you and others. Show them how to do the right thing under all circumstances and to be kind "no matter what ". Teach them that all they can truly control is themselves and live this one (especially) by example!  Lastly, when the time is right, let them watch you and include them often, in a loving relationship with a normal man..... they will discern what is right and what is N behavior.

I have two children 9 and 13 and so far so good !! They are strong, kind and moral children who still cannot understand their father (and who can, really) but they realize that is OK."

(No contact - when there's no custody agreement and no children)

"Take charge of No Contact - that's your job. He will try to contact and provoke you - it's the nature of the beast. Victims who continue to play around with abusers and don't have self control
also don't have a chance in court. It's that simple.
And, it's a huge glaring red flag that both people have mental problems. 
All the courts see is that one is as bad as the other."

 
Divorce
 
"Once you become knowledgable about NPD, the N becomes very predictable in many ways. Use this to your advantage.  There were certain occasions when I would send him a seemingly innocent one sentence email and got a three page rant in return.  These things were gold mines which made him look like a lunatic.  Give the N a shovel and let him bury himself.  And believe me, he will.  Narcissism is a disorder, not an advantage.
 
 
My first suggestion is to gather as much information regarding finances and assets before you even mention divorce to the N. Make copies of current statements as well as those from when you were first married, if they are available. This will help determine if any assets are marital or premarital.  My N kept the majority of our marital assets in his own name.  As soon as I told him I wanted a divorce, all statements vanished, but I was way ahead of him and already made copies of them.  If you are still living together, keep the copies at a friend or relative's house. He will try to engage you in fights and arguments in an effort to make you look bad and/or crazy.  As much as you may want to, do not get sucked into these. 
 
You want to appear as the sane one and him as the psycho aggressor. You will want to keep a record of as many communications as possible.  If he calls you, let it go to voicemail and save it.  If he texts you, save it.  I preferred to communicate with the N through email (I had to regarding my son).  I kept copies of everything and eventually was able to print them out and give them to the custody evaluator. 
 
If your case goes to trial, you will be able to use them in court as well."  If you are simply dealing with court curveballs, remember that a psychopath doesn't play by the rules and that judges, by vocation, choose a position somewhere in the middle between what you want and what your opponent wants. If your psychopath is wanting the moon and the stars (ie - a ridiculous portion of the property), then probably you should be asking for that, too, to balance it out, otherwise it will be disproportionally tilted in his favour. Judges seem to operate on the premise that both parties should be equally unhappy with his/her decision. Aim for what you think is fair and go several degrees above that to ensure you DO get what's fair. (It's worked beautifully for me so far.) "

Protecting Your Livelihood
If you are in or ending an abusive relationship, make sure you advise your employers of this. do not feel any shame or embarrassment, In fact, many people have been in exactly your situation. The shame and embarrassment belong with your abuser. Let them know that you believe that your abuser may try to make trouble for you at your place of employment. Ask them about their security and safety for employee plan and make full use of this. The more people who are aware of his abuse the better. 

 
That Suicide Threat
Occasionally the most horrific of manipulation tactics comes out of their grab bag of tricks. They'll put unnecessary fear into us by crying "suicide".  We can be numbed by fear of what they may do. In discussing this with a professional mental health therapist, she advised the thing that we need to be aware of is the high potential for manipulation. We need to find the strength to say to this person "That's a choice you make." or "That's your decision." and to tell them to get themselves to the nearest hospital for a psychiatric assessment. They'll stop making these cruel threats if they don't get their payoff of our reaction. If it appears imminent, call the police. This needs to be dealt with by professionals. Not us!

Professionals also advise us to confront this straight up. It may clear the air to openly ask them "X, you seem distressed. Are you thinking of hurting yourself?" If they answer yes, get professionals involved, call the police or take them to a hospital emergency or tell them to get there. Professionals are needed.

Excerpt from: Stop Walking on Eggshells
In response to "I'll kill myself if you leave me"
"I'm not breaking up with you to be cruel. I'm very, very sorry that this hurts you.
I want what's best for you in the future, but I just can't be part of it.
And even if I were to stay with you, that wouldn't solve our problems.
For one thing, your life's worth should be based on much more
than just being in a relationship with me. Secondly, I know that you know
deep inside that our relationship shouldn't be based on me staying because
I'm afraid of you dying and you staying because you think you can't live without me.
That's not healthy. I care about you. And because I care about you,
I want you to live. And I want you to find your own
happiness and your own life's worth, without me."
 
 
Family Ties
Q."My father has lied to family members and tells them I have disowned him. I now have a child and will be seeing my N father at a family reunion. Suggestions?"
A. Beat him at his own game. Abuse is done where they can separate and manipulate and lie to people, now you can 'outnarcissize' him in this social setting. If he has run around telling people that you refuse to have contact with him, then make a special display with others around of showing off the child and saying something like "Dad, this is little Johnny. You never wrote me back when I sent you the pictures. I've been trying to call you Dad and it's so good to see you here." (done, of course with a great big smile of affection and perhaps a wee peck kiss on his cheek for everyone at the reunion to see). Of course, this is BS, but done where others can see this will cancel out dad's comments about you. Throw in a bit more for the audience and say "Dad, my husband and I are over there (pointing in the direction) please come and join us later." Enough said. While being friendly, you're putting the onus on him to come over to you. The others at this family reunion overhear this, so, if he continues to ignore you, he'll be the one with the egg on his face.
 
Workplace Bullying
 
Q.Can you help me? I work with a female bully. She's a doctor where a group of us nurses are working. She is constantly telling everyone how wonderful she is and how many people she has saved when others were unable to do it. She is one of 2 female providers and is constantly putting down the other doc and makes jokes about her behind her back. She tries to split the nurses, meaning talking bad about the ones that are not there and then doing it again when others are around. Whenever a situation goes bad in the ER or OB with a patient, she blames the nurses and charts things that could get the hospital sued so it will make her out in a good light and the nurse as the wrongdoer. She breaks confidentiality when she has some great gossipy thing to tell, but if called on it lies through her teeth. She is careful not to do it in front of more than one person so she can deny it. She likes to make others look bad and then be the victim, for example, she will write orders and time them for say 08:00 but it is really 08:40 and them make a big deal and get mad that things are not done when she wants them. She claims other people's good ideas are hers. She writes people up all the time and rants, "I don't know why I even write orders!" Then she is so friendly and pretends that we are all great friends and every one loves her. Then she is so friendly and pretends that we are all great friends and every one loves her. My question is how can we as nurses protect ourselves?
 
A. Do NOT confront the bully alone. Being a narcissist, her defences will kick in and she will try to destroy you and the other nurses. It would seem you have validation and hopefully proof (ie the charting) and this needs to be brought to the attention of the hospital's administrators. Avoid HR, they're generally useless so go straight to the beancounters/administrators - YES, all of you enmasse. One person won't win. One-on-one is the bully's strength, and your weakness. Your best strength is to work as a team. Ask the administrators to help you by advising the best way to deal with this person. Ask what their policy is on workplace bullying. Don't demand - ask their help. Get your documentation, dates, times, details, who, what, when, where and whys together in case you are questioned. If possible, find out what you can about any people that have been bullied before and may have left because of it. One strong tactic is to state ways in which the bully is preventing you from doing your job. It is alright to state that all of you have tried to gain co-operation, but failed. Let them know that her public reaction is as you say "friendly and pretends that we are all great friends" but that in a non-public setting you feel you are being bullied. Try to find ways that the bully is costing them money, interfering in you doing your job as you have to check charts repeatedly for accuracy to avoid problems with patient care, status and reputation to the hospital. Don't hesitaste to let them know that you are prepared to co-operate if the matter is referred to the governing board of the hospital due to the effect on the hospital, it's patients and staff.
 
 
What to say during an interview about why you left your job:

Q. I was driven out of my job by my last employer - a narcissist.
What can I say during an interview about why I left?”

A. One thing is to turn this lemons to lemonade situation around by focusing on the needs of the business that you are interviewing for. To the question “Why did you leave your last position?” One response might be “My light shines brightest in a position where I can (for example) interact and relate to customers in a sales environment. When a change in management occurred, I was chosen to work in a position I had not applied for and I was prevented from performing at my best potential. In the position I am applying for here at (xyz company) I feel that the opportunity presents itself for me to again be in a position where my best talents meet the needs of the organization. Then, elaborate on how you ‘fit the bill.’ Put some nice wrapping on yourself by mentioning a nice success story like "previous to the change in management' I was able to Increase sales in my department 38%." Now, who wouldn't hire you?
Make sure you put a spin on this matching up the company's needs in the job with your ability/performance/education/experience/training/preferences.

The Workplace:
"My advice -- Act. Do not react. When you meet her, be effusive. Be 'over the top' in saying hello and keep moving. Do not stand in her sphere of influence unless it's absolutely imperative. Whenever possible, beat her at her own game. Keep talking. Keep moving. She will eventually (and rather quickly) figure out she has no influence on you and will search for easier prey."

I dealt with my psychoN boss was to distract him from his rants by bringing up something that he thought he was the absolute expert on.  In this particular guy's case, he bragged that he was an expert on 1940's movies.  When he'd throw his cup of coffee against the wall, leap out of his chair and start running to go fire some poor guy down the hall, I'd quickly ask him a question as he ran past my desk.  Sample:  What was the name of that hefty actor in the white suit in Casablanca? He'd stop on a dime and start to pontificate about Sidney Greenstreet and every movie he'd ever been in.  Ten minutes of monologue later, he'd forgotten all about where he had intended to go.

Phone Harassment
"He won't stop calling. I told the police he has a personality disorder, now what?

Sadly, the police can't arrest annoying people. And, they are right, only trained professionals are qualified to diagnose severe personality disorders. We appear to be vinditive angry and hateful if we try to do this. They expect us to handle the situation until that annoying person tips over to illegal activities.

We have to be so careful about how we conduct ourselves so we're limited to hanging up the phone the split second we hear their voices or getting an answering machine to fend off the calls and caller display  and if he gets other people to call you, simply say something like "I have to interrupt you, but I do not take any calls about this person" and hang up on them too. If he shows up at your door,  then call the police.

We have to be super careful about how we conduct ourselves. An absolute must is that we do NOT allow him to wear us down to the point where we end up screaming back at him. This is his  payoff, his goal and his reward. He has the mental disorder and if he can make us look crazy, which sadly ends up happening too often, then he's won. Some of these guys are more persistant than others, some do become violent but most give up eventually. We end up wearing them down instead. Their efforts become greater than ours and when they realize this, it's easier for them to target somebody else. Then and only then will they leave us alone. One point I like to add is that they can try to get to us at work, so do let your employers know - beat him to the punch so if he does try this, they will have been forewarned. Do this to protect your livelihood.  Hunker down, it may take some time. I know it's hard to get through this.

* * * * *

"When an N finds your boundaries stronger than their manipulation, you've won."

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